bootsbythebackdoor

food for thought...

2010-09-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

a man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle. -benjamin franklin

i like this quote.

makes you think...

changing frames

2010-09-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. i admit. things have gotten in the way!

i was changing out picture frames today. we are overhauling things in our home, and we couldn't be more excited. out brand new siding got approved finally! so now we have a new roof AND new siding. it will make our house look great. and with the new driveway that is scheduled to go in this spring.....yahoo!

anywho....changing out the frames to put in new pics of our beautiful new baby, i found older pics that had just just been moved to the back of the pile. it made me think of all things i have been before, and made me so very thankful.

there was a picture of me as a student, getting my college diploma. i have been a college student, having the feverish experience of choosing a university, any one that i wanted, and moving in. having my parents waver in the doorway, not sure whether to stay or go, and hugging them goodbye. the feeling of being alone, in a city i knew nothing about, in a state where i knew noone. learning to trust only myself. spending holidays alone. i got to be an all-american college freshman. with every opportunity at my fingertips.

there was a picture of my husband and i, engaged. the happy smiles and sparkly diamond as we planned for our future. i got to be be the fiance, planning my wedding. to a man whom my parents adored, supported, and loved from the first day.

there was a picture of us at our wedding. the beautiful dress, the incredible flowers. the gorgeous day, surrounded by all of our family and friends. the cake, the food, the photographs. the happy, happy memories. the remembrace of the loved ones who were not with us that day, either because they had passed from age, or simply had gone too soon. i was walked down the aisle by my dad, and i remember the tight grip he help on my fist, and the tiny pats he gave me as we wiped his eyes. i remember the first time i saw my husband cry real tears. i got to be the bride.

i put in a picture of my sweet little girl in that frame. i thought of how lucky i am, to be the mother to two healthy, gorgeous children. a boy and a girl. sweet and perfect as can be. we were able to welcome them into our lives, send birth announcements, enjoy them each and every day. i haven't had to work a traditional job, and have had them by my side for almost 4 years. i've been able to witness thier firsts, the lasts, and the in-betweens. i got to be a mommy.

i've been wondering what else will go in that old, dollar-bin frame. i can't wait to see all the things i will get to be.

i'm a lucky girl, who truly appreciates every opportunity i have been given. and i can't wait to give those opportunities to my children.

all things wonderful

2010-06-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

the elephant in the room

2010-06-14T18:49:00.001-07:00

well, i will blog about it. i know some of you are waiting. however, it will be broken into various posts. it's too heavy, too hard, too much for one entry.

mattie, our niece, has been sick for quite some time. marc and i have anticipated her passing for quite some time. she made it to her 5th birthday, and while that was a miracle in itself, we feared she would pass away while i was in the hospital and i would not be able to be there.

the birth of our daughter came and went, and my mother in law left mattie's side to be here with me, because i thought i needed her.

claire was 16 days old. i took her to bed with me and took a nap while MIL watched jack. i woke up after 20 minutes and heard the dog barking horrifically. i screamed at her to shut the (#&@%) up and she stopped. not normal. then i heard a man's voice. not normal because MIL certainly does not have gentleman callers. i grabbed claire and headed down the stairs.

i found marc sitting on the bed and MIL's belongings packed. i heard her saying that she just needed to leave. i asked what was wrong - was everything okay? marc shook his head and MIL told me mattie was gone. i didn't understand....i asked if she had died. they said yes.

i sat down in the middle of the stairs, holding my brand new baby, and burst into tears. i shouted "i am sorry you were here with us and not with her!" and MIL told me not to be sorry, that this was a relief. it didn't feel so releiving to me. it felt as though my heart was being stepped on and my back was on fire. i asked who had been there with her?

as it turns out, mattie had been having a good day. she had no pain, which was very uncommon, ate a ton and did arts and crafts. she asked her daddy for a nap, and her mom decided it was safe to go shopping with her best friend. she left and mattie went down for her nap. duane, mattie's daddy, went to check on her and could tell immediately that she had gone.

when i learned that mattie's mom had missed her passing, i sobbed even harder. as a mother, i simply cannot fathom that feeling.

marc and i made some calls. some i could muster out, some i cried so hard i choked. we sent out texts, and updated facebook. the calls started pouring in. marc and i decided to go out for mexican, in honor of mattie's favorite restaraunt, and almost got caught in a tornado....and lost our brand new patio set in the madness. normally i would have had a FIT, but it paled in comparison to our new reality.

the worst part? jack would wipe off my tears and say "mama, no tears. mattie is coming to play."

(may 17)

2010-06-10T17:06:00.001-07:00

on may 17th, 2010, we arrived for my c-section at 6am. my mother had flown in a few days before to hang out with jackson, and my mother in law was in town to help.

we arrived and i was prepped and ready. i was so nervous, but excited to be done - i ad been so swollen and had the heartburn of the devil!

i had a TON of anxiety surrounding the spinal, and when they took me out to get me ready, i took one look at marc and burst into tears. i was really crying hard by the time i was sitting on the table (which, by the way, was about 6 inches wide) and i was crying HARD. as in, sobbing into a towel. it took them over 5 tries to get the spinal in and my crying was putting everyone on edge. i was so terrified.

finally marc came in and i was throwing up really, really, really bad. they gave me "something to calm me down" and i continued to throw up. they gave me some anti-nausea meds, but they didn't work. they made me really tired and i started to nod off. i felt nothing but a slight feeling of someone tapping on my bellybutton and my whole body shook back and forth as they took her out.

he came out and SCREAMED. they brought her over and all i remember is telling marc "she looks like jack." and she did. and then she peed on the floor.

i fell asleep shortly after seeing her and was in and out of consciousness for the next 6 hours. i remember bits and pieces of the rest of the day, but not the majority.

i had some new pain relief methods and didn't need anything by the time i left to go home. i was walking with no pain by the 3rd day in the hospital. the nurses were incredible and i became friends with several of them. they hung out in my room a lot! i sent claire to the nursery every night...except she didn't make it there. the nurses kept her at their station! i stayed an extra day and it was 100% worth it. the extra time to recover was priceless.

jackson is doing so so so well and we couldn't be more proud of him. he is truly the most incredible little boy i have ever met.

needing to exhale

2010-04-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

i need to exhale some of the things that are heavy on my chest.

i am worried about baby claire's arrival. i am worried that i just.won't.love.her as much as i love jackson.

i am worried that his life will be turned upside down, that he will be hurt, that he will be sad. so i know that he is the 120954355 trillionth kid to have a sibling? YES. does it make it any easier on my heart? NO. i am scared to hurt his heart.

i am worried that m's family won't love her. they are very distant from jack, and always have been. that hurts too.

i am worried that i will have ZERO patience with my mother while she is here. she can be a tough one to get along with.

i am worried about the finances. granted, we have saved and planned for this baby better than we have ever done before, but with our mortgage and insurance premiums being almost equal, with an increase due to happen upon her arrival, it scares me. because we just won't be able to afford it. something will have to give.

i am scared about mattie. everything about it. talk about poor timing.

it's good to be 3

2010-04-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

progress...i guess

2010-03-25T11:10:00.001-07:00

the shelves are up. don't tell marc, but i secretly like them. :) the doors are up, but no knobs yet, as the holes in the doorframes where the knobs would close are at a different height, thus making more work and delaying the project. sigh....such is life for the A team. i still need to paint them and the entire hallway and stairs...but it will happen. i will post pics soon after the job is done!

i have been eyeing some nursing accessories i would like to have. i need all new bras, and would like to try a cople nursing tops/tanks this time around. last time i had no need, as our ventures out of the house were well-timed and i always nursed before we left or once we got home. i didn't work and had no other obligations other than jack. this time around i will be working (very very part-time, but working nonetheless) and pumping at work. i will also be out and about with activities for my busy jackson, and i want to feel comfortable so i don't deprive him of having fun because i have to nurse claire.

we have been cashing in our mail-in rebates and doing some focus group studies and have been buying my items with that cash. it's been really nice. i was going to buy a new manual hand-held pump, but found out my insurance will provided one of these as lond as my dr. prescribes it. score!

medela sent me new tubing and i cashed in some reward points with my bank and got a 25 dollar gift card to BRU. bought a few baby items with that, and a coupon from buybuybaby and hardly spent anything. nice!

we get paid 3 times in april, so we will have a nice chunk of extra money to keep for extra expenses...like a few months of a higher insurance premium until we switch our plan, diapers, and whatever else we may need. i can't even begin to say how nice that is to have.

marc has a work person who has offered to replace our shower/tub/hardware for an insanely cheap price, and we just may take him up on that before the addition arrives. we would just have to buy the tub/shower and the fixtures. plus we would replace the laminate and possibly the sink. the total would still be under 1K, start to finish, so i may have to see just how much we can pinch to come up with that. it won't be easy, but....i would geek out to have it done. it would change my life.

9 weeks!

2010-03-16T06:32:00.001-07:00

9 weeks is all we have left until claire arrives. i can't believe it.

i have been busy preparing and planning. it's so hard to plan when you have other tings looming overhead.

anyhow...marc is installing the new door on her room and in our room as well. he is also building MONSTER shelves in the garage to house all of our holiday decorations and his tools. this will free up MUCH needed space in the basement. once that is done i can paint the doors and the upstairs hallway claire's trim.

i need to exchange the rug in claire's room....it was voluntarily recalled. it's a quality issue and once it was in the room, i didn't love it anyways. so that's a good thing!

i got an extra costco coupon and bought 2 boxes of wipes and will buy 2 more next week (that will be close to 2k wipes! eeek!). i also bought a giant bottle and refill of stain spray to keep by each laundry chute. i plan on grabbing another one of those (or 2) as well.

i plan on using a gap friends and family coupon this weekend and getting her coming home outfit. i changed it. again. it's super plain but more functional.

i ordered her a hat too. the etsy seller was FAB and made me 4 little round doilies to send as samples and i am in love. the hat should be shipped today. (swoon!)

and to add to the list of things i said i would NEVER do, i may buy some baby legs. ugh. we will see.

here it is

2010-03-15T11:08:00.001-07:00

i havent wanted to write this entry. the following photos are hard to look at (for us, at least) but they are true. (sorry they have so much noise and the composition is off...but i am not editing them today).

we arrived in t-town on monday night and stayed with MIL. the next day, i dragged my feet in going to see mattie. we got there, and she was in bed in SIL/BIL's bed. marc walked in and saw her and walked right out. jack told me "that's not mattie" and ran away. so i sat with her in bed and talked about umizoomi.

she soon cried out to play with jack, so her dad carried her down the stairs. jack was hesitant at first, but was gentle. mattie was very grumpy due to the steroids and had a bit of a hard time, but they played well together.

although a special lunch was made for jack and mattie, my child insisted on goldfish. go figure. mattie has a morphone IV that was, of course, decked out for easter. can you see it?

mattie grew tired, and struggled, so jack tried to console her and tickle her. but it didn't work, and it was soon time to head to the car.

it was rough. i made it to the car before i completely lost it. it was really hard and i have a lot of feelings, but they are too personal to be published and judged. some of you have already heard them out loud, and that was hard enough.

anxiety

2010-02-26T12:53:00.000-08:00

i filled the van with gas today. it was bittersweet.

i filled it because on monday night, we are leaving for f-town. we are headed up to see mattie and i fear it will be the last time. her pain is so bad that she has a pump, which is hooked to the wall. she hates being hooked to anything. she has spent her life hooked to machines. it's so unfair.

i am feeling anxious because i know what is coming, but at the same time, i don't. i don't know how i will handle myself seeing her. i don't know how i will handle jack when he is puzzled because she can't get up to play. i don't know how i will handle my husband's emotions, as he keeps them bottled up inside. i don't know how i will swallow my vomit when jackson says "mattie is sick."

i know i will cry. i know i will take photos. i know i will force smiles onto my face and i know i will bite my tongue. i know i will cry the whole 4 hour drive home. i know i will look at my child in a new light, and let him get away with anything for the next few days. i know i will cry on the phone with my best friend. i know i will thank the universe for this little girl, crossing and uncrossing her legs in my tummy. i will call my mom and she won't be able to say the right thing. i will repeat the phrases "what are they going to do?" and "how are we going to handle this?" and even "can you imagine if this was us?" to my husband...over and over.

but that is next tuesday. and today is friday. so i have until then.

and that is how i have to live these days.

old barn rescue

2010-02-25T14:04:00.001-08:00

i had this custom decal made for baby claire's room. it's been custom made by oldbarnrescuecompany.com. they were FANTASTIC to work with, and super fast. as in...i paid them via paypal on friday morning and it was shipped and reached me on monday.

if you order, tell them i sent ya :)

kiss off!

2010-02-25T07:48:00.001-08:00

i feel like that is what the boy is saying to me lately.

it's hard to parent when you don't feel like you are on the same page as your partner all the time...especially when you're sure the other has never even cracked the book. it's a hard transition to let it go when you are the one home with your child all.day.long and you know what works and what doesn't. and it's frustrating when the unhappiness is obvious in your child.

we had an easy baby. quite possibly the easiest ever. when my sister came to see him at 6 weeks old, she frantically called her husband, in a 3-hour time difference to tell him "todd! you would NEVER beleive this baby! it's unfair!"

we are encountering some struggles. and the worst part? they are things that are 100% my fault, and i can admit it. myy bff tries to be reassuring and tells me "it's a learning experience!" but i still feel awful.

but at least i can admit it....but it doesn't make me feel better.

{he is} so pretty

2010-02-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

to jackson on his third

2010-02-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

dear jack,

today you are three years old. there is no doubt about it, you are no longer a baby. this year has brought us so much joy. we watched you become potty trained (almost 100%) and began using full, run-on sentences. we watched you play with your cousin mattie and form a strong bond with her. it seems like you know when she is having rough days, because you look up from your toys and say something about her. you have even told me "mattie has bad booboo" but the scary part is, you don't even know she is sick...or what the word "bad" is.

you continue to abuse the dog, and i do nothing to stop it - i think i appreciate it sometimes. you love the garbage man like he is a parent, and you continue to make friends wherever you go. people often tell us you are the cutest little boy they have ever seen. you remember everything...i think you get it from your aunt nea.

you are a shopper. you often tell me i need to pick something up from the "gwocery stoooore" or the "fish stooooore" and you give the best cuddles after your nap. you have been asking me to rock you and i don't mind it at all.

you have given us challenges this year, and we struggle in maintaining our discipline. i sometimes feel as though we fail you in this department, but we are trying....i promise you. our ability to parent like normal parents has been affected by your beloved mattie and her illness. we don't sleep when you are sick, and i can feel my heart beat a little faster any time you come down with a cold, or even have an "off day." i am so sorry for that, but i don't know that it will ever go away. loving you so much can be scary for me.

you seem to be excited about your little sister, claire. you helped build the shelves in her room and tell everyone it's your job to get her diapers. you love books and to count. tom and jerry are heroes in your little blue eyes, and you often tell us tales of their adventures. you adore your daddy's tools and talk about going fishing this summer. your daddy is counting down the days until he can take you. your daddy loves you so much.

thanks for making me a mom. thanks for making me a happy person, and to see the important things in my life. thanks for sharing your snacks, and patting my back when i get terrible morning sickness. and for understanding me on the days when i just want to hold you a little longer than necessary. and for holding me, too. you always seem to know when i need it most.

please don't stop being my alarm clock at 7am...those little hands in my hair are some of my most treasured moments....when i keep my eyes closed because i know the longer i do, the longer you play with my hair - trying to wake me. please don't stop reminding me to appreicate the small things in life...like a new box of crayons or the genuine laugh of a little boy having fun.

my hope for you is that the world continues to treat you with the genuine love and sweetness that you express into it, each day that you breathe. i couldn't have asked for a more perfect child because i had no idea a person of your calibur could exist.

i love you so much.

love, mommy

3 years ago

2010-02-15T18:30:00.001-08:00

3 years ago today, there was the beginning of a huge snowstorm. marc and i had what we refer to as "the last supper" at our favorite restaraunt.

the following day i was to be induced. and our lives changed forever...

:)

cancer blows

2010-02-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

for various reasons...my heart hurts today. as in, aches.

the worst is that it's only a small amount of pain compared to what's coming.

how does one bury a child? how does one know their little baby will never go to kindergarten, never learn to read, never ride a bus? never have another birthday, holiday, go trick-or-treating? how do you deal with that? how do you cope? how do you move on?

how do you go on living? i can't even imagine.

baby c

2010-02-08T09:46:00.001-08:00

i forgot to mention.....

the baby's name is claire. :)

we love it!

missing my weekend

2010-02-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

well, the snow has ceased to fall...for now. a guess they are saying a few more inches over teh next few days. meh.

we had a great weekend. i ordered the decals on friday for baby's room, and they were shipped on friday afternoon - talk about fast! we will see when they arrive...

went to a birthday party on friday night-it was fun! jackson had a great time and marc was able to help out in a crisis. who knew geotracks were so complicated?

saturday we cleaned and got some things done...we now have a new playroom and office and craft space! woo hoo! SUCH a huge difference. huge. we will be able to stay organized and i can finish working on some projects. we will now have a space to host overnight guests, too. i worked a short shift and my new store (LOVE it!) and got some really cute maternity clothes. also picked up a new diaper bag, a gift from my mom. i love it already!

sunday i headed to joann's and got some fabric. some is going back. TODAY. it's totally wrong. finished a few new style burp cloths and a cute cute onesie for baby. i still have to make a shirt for jack's birthday party next week. and finish up a few loose ends for a shower i am helping out with.

whew! a busy but very productive weekend. :)

snow!

2010-02-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

it's snowing here.....and totally beautiful. big, fat flakes that are creating puffy mounds on the trees, plants, railings, and the deck.

hopefully i can get some pictures this weekend. it makes me really homesick for beautiful new england.

sigh...

craftin'

2010-02-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

so this morning i worked hard on some craft projects i have been putting off. i sewed 2 burpcloths for a dear friend who is expecting twin boys on the same day as my girl :) and swed 2 burpcloths for my little one! they are cutey!

i also used an awesome tutorial to make a changin pad cover for 2.0's room. it came out adorable and was SO SO SO simple. i am going to make more....this time with a little more flare! i can't wait.

i feel like time is approaching so fast, there are so many things i want to do!

color samples came in the mail today for 2.0's wall decals. the etsy seller is fantastic so far, and i will be sure to update when we order.

hopefully m will hang the door(s) this weekend and then i can paint them. i also scored a playmat from a friend for only $10 this week (i felt like i was robbing her, but that is what she asked for it!) and another friend mentioned that she read on here that i was looking for the crib soother. low and behold, she has one, new in the box and is giving it to me at a hefty discount. thanks, amber and miriam!!!

{our} boy

2010-02-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

we loves him.

{getting} ready

2010-01-26T07:20:00.000-08:00

we are trying to get ready for baby 2.0's arrival. we have lots leftover from jack...but some things that we need to replace. this time around, the finanaces are different, so we are trying to spend less :) we have to buy:

play mat (have one from a fellow nestie that is on hold for us! score!)
light-up thingy for her crib (i always call it an aquarium for lack of a better term...)
i really want a snap-and-go for her stroller, her stroller is trashed (we will see if i get vetoed)
finish decorating her room (it's a nightmare!)
hang her new door to her room
paint her trim
window treatments. ughhhh (however we located some white ones from PBK from jacks first room that we thought were lost. score!)
a nursing cover (or 3) - will make
blankets
bibs - make

is that it? goodness!

commentary

2010-01-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

well, it's no secret that our niece is sick. it's no secret that we live in a culture in which others think they are entitled to, and should, give their opinions on such things...all.the.time.

i am tired of people telling me not to feel guilty about this baby. i am tired of people saying "oh, the family will see it as a new beginning" or "you shouldn't let the tragedy get in the way of your happiness." you know what? we don't feel that way. and it's okay.

of COURSE we are overjoyed with our healthy baby girl. we are FOREVER grateful for our healthy boy. but we have a huge feeling of guilt and sadness...and i think we are entitled to that. once you become a parent, and see the world-changing way a baby makes you the view life, you put yourself in every parent's shoes when tragedy strikes. people make a face and shake their heads and always say "i couldn't even imagine." well, some people HAVE to imagine...because it's their reality. it's going to be ours....theirs...the family's.

we don't ever want to cause more pain to them then they have already gone through. it's M's sister's only child...she is not going to have any more. and to those thinking "oh she will have more"....you're wrong. she won't. so stop saying it. it hurts. we fear that seeing our kids, or any kids, will hurt them. we fear that the extended family will continue to push us away more than before. because it will hurt them too much to love our kids. i am not saying that from a selfish standpoint, but from a standpoint of fear for the family's feelings of pain and for our kids for not getting that love.

we don't want them to hurt any more. we don't want mattie to have cancer. we don't want to keep explaining our feelings. we don't expect anyone to understand, because we hardly do ourselves. our feelings are valid, they are true, and to tell us how we should be viewing it/dealing with it/processing it is just plain ignorant. because if you have NOT been in our shoes, then you have absolutely no right to offer advice. advice is given from someone who has experienced it. many have exprienced death with a an elder, a distant relative....but a CHILD is a whole different ballgame. there is no explaining it away..."oh they lived a good life" or "she was old." no. not the same at all.

we are simply angry.

almost passed out!

2010-01-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

our neighbor came over with her itty bitty new baby. marc and i discussed that in no way was our baby EVER that small (even though little james was 8 oz bigger than our jack) and today i came accross these pictures (plus MANY MANY MORE) and i almost died right here on my floor.

how quickly we forget. how desperately we try to remember....

please keep me accountable

2010-01-18T14:53:00.001-08:00

and by having a baby girl....do NOT let me put those bands with bows/flowers/large obnoxiousness on her head. they are just silly.

updates

2010-01-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

so...i have majorly been slacking. MAJOR. but it's okay, lots to touch base on.

we are proud to announce we are expecting a baby GIRL in May. she will arrive via c-section, which i am NOT pleased about, but it will be okay.

i was told shortly before christmas that the store in which i have been employed for almost 2 years will be closing. at this time, i am being told that i am being transferred to the other store in columbus, but we will see...

that being said, baby 2.0's room is going to be freaking adorable. a generous discount, combined with a store closing discount = good deals for the A family. she DOES have a name, which we changed in the past few days, but we are not telling. stay tuned!!!

we are preparing to say goodbye to our little niece. we are not sure when, but we know it will be sooner rather than later. we are not sure how we will handle this, but we will get through it. it's like a heavy rain cloud that is looming on the horizon. it clouds our joy, regardless of whether we should let it or not, of our upcoming arrival. because we know that the 2 things will be very close in timing and we are just unsure of how to deal with that. i have a few things to say about the comments we receive, and the advice, but that's a post for another day...

adoption

2010-01-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. i am watching dr. phil and there is a mother of a (adopted) child and she is talking about strangers' comments. it really hits home.

i do have/have had people make comments about it all of my life: do you think your parents treat you differently because your sibs are adopted? do you think that's because they aren't your real siblings? does your brother/sister wonder about his/her mom or dad? yeah, but they aren't your REAL siblings....

it's just so rude and coldhearted. my mother may not have given BIRTH to my sister or brother, but they are still my siblings. i don't look at it any other way. none of us do. we are so much alike it's uncanny.

it's almost like i would like to respond by saying "do you feel that way/is that because your sister is so much better looking/more successful than you/is smarter than you?" but i don't - because it's inappropriate and just one of those things you dont say.

in the words of dr. phil...don't assume adoption is a second choice. for some, it's a first choice.

there is more to being a parent or a family than blood relation. and those comments and inuendos really hurt the loved ones of an adopted child.

quote of the day!

2010-01-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

Character is what you are...reputation is what you try to make other people think you are.

.

kingdom of bounce

2010-01-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

we went.

we saw.

we conquered.

we are SO going back!

a good quote

2010-01-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

i love quotes. i think it re-affirms what you are thinking, and it's refreshing to hear your thoughts echoed in the words of someone else.

one that echoes in my ears lately is "when someone shows you who they are the first time...believe them." my own personal spin? especially if it's that person's spouse! ha!

onto 2010

2010-01-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

it's january 1! happy birthday, my dear marc!

2009 was a good year, in the importance of all things.

marc, jack, and i were all healthy, and remain healthy. i got pregnant, and we are expecting our baby girl in may 2010. we shall call her aubry 2.0. my brother was married adn we had safe travels to NH. my parents visited and they are in good health. my sister and her kids are in good health, as are her in-laws. my bff nea came for a visit and although i only got to see her for a few hours out of the week she was here, it was wonderful.

on the not-so-great-side, we learned that our precious niece has terminal cancer. she is beginning to struggle on a daily basis and all we can hope is that she makes it to her 5th birthday in april. i was laid off a few weeks ago but was lucky enough to be relocated to a new location. sadly, not all my friends made the cut.

we have worked hard this year to stay out of major debt, and we were successful. we have a tiny bit left, which is highly annoying, but it will be paid off in a few weeks.

i have some resolutions and goals for the upcoming year but will blog about them later...one is to update my blog mroe often! lol.

have a happy and healthy new year.

oopsy!

2009-12-07T05:16:00.000-08:00

i have been STINKING on the blog front. sorry.

since thanksgiving a lot of things have changed. our niece's status has changed from "cancer free" to "terminal." we are devastated and at a loss. she is currently participating in an experimental study at st. jude's that is a lot of work and invasive to her little body. we will see.

our guest that is arriving sunday just informed us she has invited 4-5 other guests. nice.

last evening we (i) learned some other news that is completely worrysome and troubling to our little family. as in when i walked into the house, my husband said "you can't be serious?" uh yeah. wish i was, my darling. i hate our lives being in limbo. i am growing weary of it and it seems to keep happening.

trick or treat!

2009-11-02T04:33:00.001-08:00

what a ham! before halloween we painted our pumpkins. he is obsessed with painting pumpkins. i would never have thought he remembered from last year. he doesn't forget anything. i think he gets it from nea! he certainly doesn't get that from ME!

my SIL and her new boyfriend came with us. we had a really really nice time. jack loved the both of them and had so much fun! jack said "fank you" everytime he got candy and even said it to the kids he passed out the candy to! way cute.

everyone thought he was a ninja turtle? i guess that's what happen when people becom used to disney-inspired store bought costumes. no thought. no heart! my mom always made our costumes and that's a tradition i hope to continue. until he gets to "that age." sigh.....

but until then i have my little turtle. :)

wedding day

2009-11-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

we traveled to NH for my brother's wedding in september. it was a private ceremony officiated by my sister and i (my brother officiated our weddings!) and it was held at our summer home. in a tiny town of about 1,000 people. on the land where my grandfather bought property and had the trees but down, then processed into lumber. used the lumber to build a cabin with 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, a bunk room, a full kitchen and laundry and 2 decks. set back from the water, and even the toilet paper rods were hand-carved. borrowed bricks from a nearby abandoned building to build our fireplace, and in the middle is a brick taken from a confederate soldier's house in the Civil War era. to bring it that far north was supposed to be a symbolic kick to the crotch. :)

it was catered by an INCREDIBLE catering company that served lobster rolls (a new england tradition), orange seared scallops, a delicious truffle custard, guacamole and margartias (the boys' FAVORITE) and the most incredible entrees and AMAZING desserts we have ever eaten.

i did the flowers and the place settings, including the brown ribbons on the napkins. that deserves a whole other post :) the boys wanted locally grown, natural-looking flowers. my mom and i got these at a local apple orcahrd farm stand where i worked as a young teenager.

this is the tent we rented. it's where the boys had thier ceremony and i never thought it would have fit! see how dense the woods are? the trees are so thick it's sometimes hard to walk. it was perfect.

i adore this picture. my cousin peter, who has my grandma's firey red hair, and his mom (my mom's sister) are standing with my second cousin james. the guy with the laptop is my uncle (mom's brother) and beside him is my great aunt. i simply adore her. she is my grandmother's last remaining sister. she is almost 90. every time i see her her health declines, and her husband didn't even make it out this day. her hair is blonde as blonde can be, and she has so much spunk and personality.....i love her to the moon and back. i fear the end is coming. i simply can't handle it. i am so happy she was there.
my mom and sister. that's all i have to say about that.

far right, my until-recently-but-now-in-your-face-all-the-time uncle. dad's bro. dad in the middle....see the resemblance?

the whole gang.

my brother, left, and newest brother in law.

vows. tear-inducing. my brother is a fantastic speaker.

jay-z and big daddy.

honestly, the nicest group of people i have ever met. the kindest and sweetest guests. they were so wonderful to my parents and my son adored them. jackson cried and cried when they departed back to san fransisco. he even named on of his dinosaurs "uncle steve" because steve bought it for him. i am so sad to say that one of these kind-hearted people has recently suffered from a terrible, terrible accident. one that brought me to my knees and praying to god that he wouldn't be taken from my brother.

all in all, it was what a wedding should have been. a happy time in a memorable place surrounded by those in love, and those who do love. the type of love may be non-traditional and non-customary, but it is the epitome of TRUE LOVE. which, no matter what formit takes, is a wonderful thing.

hiatus!

2009-09-16T06:19:00.000-07:00

so much to update on!

teasers from an Inn that used to belong to my family.....jack is the 6th generation of family to sit on those steps. amazing

my niece!

2009-09-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

"big boyyyy"

2009-08-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

he now tells us "no baby.....big boyyyyyy"

thoughts on thursday

2009-07-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in your life when you realize: who matters, who never did, who won't anymore...and who always will. So, don't worry about the people from your past because there is a reason why they didn't make it to your future. - friend from facebook

on another note, i feel like there are so many things in my life right now that are just hanging in limbo, dependent on others to determine. i hate it. i hate leaving my fate up to another, especially when sometimes you feel like you can't trust people.

hopefully things will be changing!

having limited internet

2009-07-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

sucks. big time.

i am here, alive and kicking. i am super excited about a new opportunity that was dropped on me today. it would be so great for me and my little family......stay tuned!!!

random things

2009-07-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

my kid is so funny. his vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds but he is yet to really form sentences.

today i changed his diaper and said "ewwwwwwwww louis! you stink!" he said "sorry, mommy!"

just now he hugged the fridge and gave it a kiss.

i made a sad noise when i dopped my bag this morning and he said "it okay, mommy" and hugged me.

he comes rolling into the kitchen on his tricycle with marc's bike helmet on. sideways.

i heart him.

a few from the 4th

2009-07-06T19:23:00.001-07:00

jim the dog.

jack the amazing swimming baby.

my boys. hard at work.

i wish i was joking.

new recipies

2009-07-06T19:07:00.001-07:00

one thing i love about being a SAHM is getting dinner ready for my family. i love that marc comes home and he heads out to the yard and plays with his little boy while i bring food to the table. granted, it's sometimes a drive-thru dinner, but alas.....i can cook. really.

the first is a dip from Real Simple. it was really simple! we decided that it would be fantastic if made a little thinner and used as a spread on a grilled chicken sammy. mmmmmmmmm...

1C sour cream

10 oz thawed, drained chopped spinach

1 clove of garlic

salt and pepper

1/4 FRESH grated parmsesan (i buy the wedge and grate it myself. no Kraft in this house! blech!)

mix well and chill until very cold. i served it with homemade pita chips. it was heavenly.

the second is also from Real Simple. it was supposed to be a salsa but i wanted it as a salad, so i chopped it larger and more coarsely.

mix equal parts of roma tomatoes, red onion, yellow pepper, and toss in a pre-blended mix of 1T olive oil and 1T red wine vinegar (i added a touch of sugar) with salt and pepper.

memorable words monday

2009-07-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

"when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them." maya angelou

look who has hair!

2009-07-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

cancer free!

toddler tip tuesday

2009-07-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

i know it's wednesday. give me some slack :)

when your little one is ready for table food, use a cheap-o pair of kitchen shears or plain scissors. you can cut more precisely and quickly. keep a spare in your diaper bags for restaruants, to avoid a mess and akward cutting. it will also help to cut up food that is too hot (isn't it always?) to cool quicker. when i was running my daycare, it was a MUST HAVE ITEM.

when you have a sick toddler, and are using the armpit method of taking his temp, dress him in a sleeveless shirt or muscle tee. no pulling arms through of sleeves or fishing around in a loose t-shirt. you know how it is when you have a fever-ish toddler that is c.r.a.b.b.y.

.

intervention

2009-06-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

i watch intervention all the time. i cry every single time. my husband asks why.....and i never tell him.

in my old job, as a child protective services worker, i had a variety of clients. ther ewere a few that stuck out in my mind. a few that i will never forget.

one will never leave my memory. in fact, i think of him every.single.day. he came to me as the father of an itty-bitty baby. he had a drug problem. he was violent and angry. he was manipulative and deceitful. he was charming, he was sweet, he was nice. we will call him brad.

brad was in a hostile realtionship with his daughter's mom. they manipulated each other and manipulated me. he had a serious problem with drugs. a serious problem. when he came to me, he had been through 22 treatment programs and was still using crack cocaine. he had a very inappropriate relationship with his own mother, and she was waaaay too involved in his life. she enabled him and bailed him out.

whenever he would call me, i went to him. i once got a call that he was high and destroying property, and was dangerous to be around. i hopped in my car, arrived at his place, and begged him to let me in. he broke down and cried and we talked. i convinced him that he was better than this, because he was. he came from a nice family, had an expensive education, and he did not belong with the other families that i worked with.

i saw him weekly. he called me no less than 5-10 times a day. he was a little....high-maintenance. :) he would often show up in my lobby, demanding to see me, making a scene. his hair would be sticking out, his fly would be open, but he always greeted me with that rediculous, goofy smile. even when he was in prison or jail, and i would visit him there, and he woudl shout and spit at me through the glass...he would always look like a little boy.

as much as he manipulated me, and made look like a fool, and even as many times as i went to bat for him....i liked him a lot. i always told him so, and that he had so much potential. his mother would scream at me. she would call me names. she would manipulate me, too. they all did.

towards the end, he spiraled out of control. i had a very memorable conversation with him, urging him to "do the right thing....." what everyone knew he was capable of. i reassured him that i had faith in him, and that i would see him the next day at 1pm. he said "sarah, thanks. i may abuse you, but i appreciate all you have ever done for me. you're the only one who has never turned their back on me." i was happy.

the next morning, i arrived at sharon's house (his mom) to see his baby. when i got there sharon told me "well, sarah, you got your wish. brad won't be a problem anymore. he's dead." i stared at her and said no, no he wasn't. that i had an appointment with him soon after i was leaving her home. she nodded and said that brad had taken his own life. and it was my fault.

she said many more things to me, things that i can't even repeat. things i know are not true, but that stick in the back of my mind.....i think about him every single day of my life. i drive by the place where his funeral took place every time i leave my house. i wonder about him and his mom. there were so many incidents with him, on a daily occurence, that stick out in my mind. years of daily interactions. some hilarious, some sad. some that make me furious, some that embarrass me.

i remember the look on his dad's face as i walked to my car that day. the way he chased me and said "sarah! it's not your fault. it's not anyone's fault. it was his destiny." and the way i burst into tears and cried. and cried. and cried. and got sent home from work that day. the way that i layed on my couch and waited for my mom's flight to arrive for my baby shower. i remember every minute of his funeral, and the way his family's eyes burned into my back. the nudges and glances as well as the knowing looks of "oh.....you're the one who was supposed to help him."

i think that is why i watch intervention. i see brad in every addict. i see sharon in every.single.family.member. i look for the thing i missed. i know i did everything in my power, and i know i could not have changed his fate. if he hadn't died by his own hand, he would have died from the drugs. but then why am i still looking?

thankful thursday!

2009-06-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

today i thankful for...

a beautiful sunny day with my boy
fresh strawberries
my husband
friends that give just as much as they take
grilling out tonight

oh so funny!

2009-06-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

listen, mrs F-bomb ..... don't give yourself too much credit. your entry was neither whitty nor original. keep trying.

per usual, your blog (yawn) is full of things written/done by other people. don't beleive me? here's your pic.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3657/3413625562_13f6d79739.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/16842966%40N00/3413625562/&h=333&w=500&sz=128&tbnid=qr5zvQamkg1MqM:&tbnh=87&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dimages%2Bof%2Bswiper%2Band%2Bboots%2Bon%2Ba%2Bcake&hl=en&usg=__iuNpps5Xm_uauYjv77Z-3TVj49Y=&ei=s0k2SorFKILSNPGGwIIK&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image

jack's new room - jungle themed room

2009-06-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

Not the best photos, but these will do. I made the quilt and the elephant pillow. The rocking chair Marc and I stained when I was pregnant. The cubes are from Target, and the furniture is from PBK, as is the window hardware, the lamp, the lion pillow, the rug, and the animal mobile over the bed. I also made the sheers that hang behind the regular curtains. The photos are ones I took last year at the zoo and the animals on the shelves are from the $1 spot at Target.

so.damn.tired.

2009-06-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

i need to stick to my guns. i really need to stop letting things bother me, things people do or don't say get to me, including family. including friends. including coworkers.

my homey dr. phil says that you can't expect reactions from others and then get disappointed when you don't receive them. i need to stop expecting certain reactions from those i love or even just like, even those i know are capable and willing to give the best of themselves to others. even those who i KNOW give those actions to others.

that's it. that's all. the end :)

.

summer has begun

2009-06-10T09:28:00.001-07:00

love this!

2009-06-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

this chick rocks. and i will soon be making samoa cupcakes for father's day. i adore her and her blog. check her out:

http://the-cooking-of-joy.blogspot.com/

i love this idea, and will buying one of these asap.

drifters

2009-06-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

in 1998, i packed up and left my teeny tiny town in new hampshire. i left behind mountains, bautiful landscapes, a wealthy farm town that was full of equestrian rings and apple orchards, cheap seafood, and a house in the woods. i left my family, my friends, everyone i knew. i left my boyfriend. my clothes. my pictures. my best friend.

i moved to ohio. humid, dry, flat ohio. columbus, where people think a particular zip code is a bragging right. where i learned the rules and rituals of dorm life. where i watched people go home on the weekends, and on holidays. where i watched through email that all my friends from home were still hanging out. i learned to depend on myself, and only myself.

i got a job. 2 jobs, in fact. i still went to school full time and shared an apartment off campus and had a new boyfriend. some of my realtionships from freshman year dwindled and i started a new job on a whim, and never expected my life to change so dramatically. i met her at the daycare, our lives were as about as differnt as they could be. her name was nea and she had a one year old baby girl. she was married and had moved here from sunny california.

although we seemed different at that time, it was amazing to see how much the same we were. we liked the same things, had teh same passions, have the same thoughts. if you ever got on either one of our bad sides......we have been known to tag team. and not in THAT way. i don't even think we particularly cared for each other very much at first.

now, almost 10 years later, we are still tight. i graduated from ohio state, married that boyfriend, and had a baby. she bought a house, had TWO MORE KIDS, and moved away.

i don't think i will ever get over that. thinking about her moving is like being dropped off in my dorm room all over again. that panicky feeling of looking to the left and to the right, wondering "what the fuck am i going to do now?" only she understands truly how it feels to watch your heart walk away as you leave your beloved family members at the airport. or how it is to have no family there to celebrate holidays, or your birthday with. to have no gifts to open....

i recently asked her why she thought i have had so many failed relationships in the past year. she told me that i am trying to replace/reinvent something that i am missing. that feeling of having someone so close to you that they can understand what you are saying when you say "do we need to go to that place, and get that thing?" and know what it is you are saying. she thinks i am desperate to get it.

the truth is, i don't want to replace her. i don't want to, and don't think that i ever could, find someone to fill her shoes.

but i still want her here. i miss you, bonquita.

corn salad

2009-05-21T11:27:00.001-07:00

O.M.G.

http://happilyeverlaughter.blogspot.com/2008/06/tastes-of-summer.html

so f-ing good.

go sarah!

2009-05-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

so, we got new cable/phone/internet service. just by switching, we will be earning 200 bucks cash! nice! but when i found out that our new ADT system no longer works, and we have to pay more to ADT just to make it work again, i was mad.

so i called our new provider and told them they needed to give me the extra $ that i have to pay to ADT, as a credit each month. and they did! so we will get and extra $15 off our bill, which is actually a little more than we will owe to ADT. sweet!

and M brought home some plants today...actually, they are trees! for free! now our home will start to look (a little) like a landscape architect DOES live here! lol

(no, they are not blue holly, miss nea) :)

oops.

2009-05-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

i stink! i forgot my make it yours monday AND my two truth tues. geez! oh well. i hav ebeen over-scheduling myself and it shows. i work part time at PBK and trying to run my little business on the side...plus i have another part time job. AND trying to stay at home and keep things flowing. trying to clean out the old and de-clutter and stay clean and organized. getting back on the diet bandwagon, with which i am making strides and i am excited about that!

lately i have been feeling overwhelmed and like i am in a sinking hole. i have had to step back from a few engagements, which makes me sad, but at the same time, i have no choice.

it's really funny. this time last year, my income was higher. we had more overall debt. we had zero money in savings and were sturggling. right now, we have pretty much ZERO debt. we should mainly be out of it in the next month or two, and it was only incurred from having to use one credit card from our robbery for a month. our income is less, but we have money in savings and are doing better overall.

i truly think getting rid of my dayvare kid(s), which was sucking the LIFE out of me (and their non-complying parents) taught me so many things and we are so so so much happier now. i am not a prayer-type person, but i have been praying and hoping and trying to see things in different lights....and it's working. we are about to begin some exciting (to us, at least) projects around our home and rather than always chasing that bigger-better-more mentality, we are going to make the best of what we have.

sorry for rambling. it's just sort of a looming cloud. but a happy cloud, like bob ross said :)

sometimes

2009-05-04T19:54:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel like i am a square peg, and the world is that round hole.

i shouldn't say sometimes, it has always been there. and it's really feeling that way right now.

.

2009-04-28T09:28:00.001-07:00

the playset!

2009-04-28T09:13:00.001-07:00

marc has worked really hard! he had to cut all the lumber by hand....i treated all the wood....over 300 screws and 200 bolts and lots of hours. it's done!

two truths and a lie

2009-04-28T05:42:00.000-07:00

the long abandoned "two truths". you know how the game is played, folks.

1. i once saw someone i know on jerry springer
2. my friend once got robbed at a bank, and put into the vault
3. i never was a fan of NKOTB when they were popular

which two are the truth and which one is a lie?

make it yours MONDAY! marshmallows on a stick!

2009-04-27T06:18:00.000-07:00

new element to the blog! make it yours monday!

my friend erin inspired me for these. she makes them often and i 100% borrowed the idea from her (www.erintenneyjohnson.blogspot.com). they are super simple and soooo good. she serves her without the plastic covering, but i serve mine with the plastic. (does that count as how i make it my own? lol)

here's how we do it:

supplies: one bag of large marshmallows, one package of thin sticks, one package of small cellaphane treat bags, one package of Wilton Candy Melters, and colored sprinkles.

before i start i roll the marshys between my hands slightly to shape them up and insert the stick as far as it will go before it pokes out the end. do this with al of them.

in a double boiler melt the chocolate according to the directions. remove bowl from double boiler and dip in the marshys until halfway covered. stand upright in a container but don't allow them to touch. (i use a drinking glass - they lean over the side) and sprinkle with, well, sprinkles! they will get everywhere but it's okay. they will dry in about 5 minutes. (i would do batches of the marshys, they will cool too fast if you do them all at once).

once they are cooled, put them in the small cellaphane bags and tie with coordinating ribbons as tightly as you can.

erin did some her way with strawberry marshys and white chocolate. hers had easter-colored sprinkles and i made some for jack's elmo party with yellow sprinkles and red sprinkles. and mine for easter were classic chocolate with easter-colored sprinkles.

make it your own with white chocolate drizzled over your marshys, or even something else!

have fun!

2009-04-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

long overdue, but we had a great easter. the bunny was good to jack, and we were intived to the johnsons' home for easter brunch. it was so wonderful and her family was so sweet. it was a fun day. thanks, e!

a work in progress

2009-04-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

here is where it started. that fence is 8 feet, so you can get an idea.it's a big tree.

down in the yard!

and he is just under 6 feet tall, so it's surely a large tree.

an update soon! woo hoo!

rough week

2009-04-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

we have had a rough week. we put jackson on his crib mattress on the floor.

the first day for nap, i sat with him in his room. i sat because he would come running out of the room and giggle and play games. he jumped, got on and off his bed, and was a wild man.

my bff, who has worked with more kids than i can count, was my personal coach throughout the whole thing. and i value what she say, because she has the three most well-behaved children i have ever seen. seriously. anywho.

after 4 hours on weds, i had to get up. so we got up and he cheered. literally. that night, he went down in about 15 seconds.

thursday, i bumped the timing back an hour, and there we sat. for 3 hours. no nap. last night he also went out like a light.

today, friday, he messed around on his bed. AND WENT TO SLEEP. i am in shock. shock and awe. and a little bit sad.

a few things that have worked on other kids, that did not work on mine:

laying with your child. he loved it, but it was a no-go.

sitting next to the bed. epic failure.

avoiding eye contact and staring straight ahead. nope.

avoiding eye contact and placing him into the sleeping position, not speaking or giving any attention. all aboard the fail boat!

spanking. nope.

shouting. colossal disappointment.

what worked for us? currency, as nea calls it. jack's favorite form of currency? his binky aka beebee.

when he would flail around like a fish out of water or stand, or jump or whatever bad-ass-kid move he was trying to pull, i told him "no more beebee" and would take it. i would ask if he wanted it and then tell him he had to lay down and go night night.

i would check in on him and when i found him disrupting from sleeping, we would re-discuss the beebee.

and he is sleeping. it took a while to get there, but we did.

next up, potty. yikes.

it's time...

2009-04-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

Our little boys is growing up. he is done with his crib, and often begs to sleep in "mom bed!" i ordered this bed on saturday, but in the espresso color.

and this dresser, also in espresso. it can also be used as a changing table.

i also got this table, in espresso.

haven't gotten the chairs yet, but these are in the running. i think i like the light green, or red. not sure yet!

we got a HECK of a deal on them....all (except the chairs) for the price of the bed. hooray!

they should come soon. the table is already here. it's a huge hit. :)

it doesn't stop!

2009-04-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

so our house was robbed recently. not only did they get away with tons of cash, gift cards, and ALL OUR CARDS AND ID's, as well as went grocery shopping on our bill...but clearly they enjoy the show "lost". BECAUSE THEY RENTED ALL OF THEM FROM BLOCKBUSTER AND NEVER RETURNED THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGGHHHHH!

i feel violated all over again.

bad blogger!

2009-04-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

i am a bad blogger. i admit it.

i will do better starting next week. promise.

we are really busy clearing/cleaning our back yard for our new playset! i have been sealing the treated lumber today (with lots of help from jack - ugh!!!) and while i am at work tonight, hope that marc will finish it. i can dream, right? my brother was in from sunny cali last weekend and we had a great visit.

nerd alert! i am geeked because i found a website where i can order monarch butterfly eggs and watch them hatch. i am WAY excited. monarchs are my favorite butterfly and i have a long history with them. sentimental stuff. we have to wait until july. poop.

we are getting ready to order a bed for jacks as well as a dresser. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...he is too big!!! i am so not ready!

a year!

2009-04-03T12:06:00.001-07:00

so much has changed in a year.

i was just thinking about the shitty run of luck that marc and i have had lately. it all started when mattie (our niece) got sick. i was thinking about how her cancer was really the starting point of it all.....then i realized something.

one year ago today, marc left to visit st. jude's, where mattie et al. was living. i was left home with a miserable baby who was cutting 5 teeth at once. i didn't sleep more than 20 minute stretches and fed him ice cream ALL WEEKEND LONG, because it's all he could eat. i felt sorry for myself and wondered if it could get any worse. what was i THINKING?

tomorrow is mattie's birthday. she will be 4. there was a time where we didn't think it would happen. we didn't think we would be traveling to celebrate. we certainly didn't think we would be seeing her in remission, with HAIR, and being able to play with our son.

i will return with photos of a cancer-free little girl, and her happy cousin, playing together and celebrating such an important day.

blooms and butterflies

2009-03-27T14:44:00.001-07:00

blooms and butterflies

2009-03-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

interactive play

2009-03-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Jack has begun the phase of imaginative play. I seriously adore it. It's so cute to walk into the room and see him marching around his little people and feeding them sandwiches.

Today, I caught him taking his toy "doogie" to get a drink.

I am eternally grateful to be able to watch him grow and develop before my eyes, every single day.

hiatus

2009-03-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

i have been on a hiatus. i have a lot planned....stay tuned. :)

and how could i forget the original lust-ness of my crafting world? what was I thinking?

www.happilyeverlaughter.blogspot.com

word.

:)

crafty love

2009-03-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

i have super crafty friends.

super crafty.

check out:

marthadaily.blogspot.com

erintenneyjohnson.blogspot.com

word.

jack!

2009-02-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

We had Jack's 2nd birthday yesterday. There was a -large- cake fiasco but in the end, it was okay.

It was bittersweet for me. It's so hard for me to be so far from my family at time like this. I would love for MY family to be able to be here and share these memories. It literally tears my heart out to have to celebrate milestones without them. Holidays, birthdays, celebrations....

My in-laws came. That, in itself, is a miracle. It was hard for me to celebrate without Nea. I never thought the day would come without her here. Erin came, with her 4 kidlets and husband, and got to stay all night! It really meant a lot to me that she was there. We had a few no-call and no-shows, which really hurt my feelings. (meaning people who had said they were coming and just didn't show up....no call, nothing. nice)

I just can't beleive my little baby is 2! He loves to tell everyone he is "twoooooo!" and he is hilarious. I can't beleive he is blossoming into such a little boy.

easy shredded chicken sandwiches

2009-02-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

I have been making these pretty often and we love them! Easy and little fuss.

In a crockpot, put enough liquid to cover thawed chicken breasts (boneless). I use a boullion cube, dissolved, sometimes 2 if I am making a lot. Or chicken stock. Or whatever.

Cook on high for 1.5 - 2 hrs, or on low for 3-4 hrs. Once cooked, cool slightly and shred with a fork...basically just mooshing with a fork. Remove leftover liquid and add chicken back to the crockpot and add one sleeve of crushed crackers (Ritz-type crackers. generic is fine, too! :) ) Slowly add liquid back until desired consistency is reached.

Add salt and pepper to taste. Keep on low setting unti lready to eat.

Yum!

2009-02-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Jackson,

Today you are two. I simply can't beleive the time has passed and you are steps closer to becoming a big boy.

You are my sweet little baby. You give the best hugs, the sweetest kisses, and the nicest pats on the back. You laugh like every thing in the world is hilarious, and once in a while I can hear those familiar "baby sounds" when you are eating, sleeping, or just simply crying.

You are my charming big boy. Your words are blossoming every day, and all your important words end with an "eeeeeeeeeeeeeee" that travels up at the end. It's so funny. You are smitten with your "mama" and adore your "dada." You love "noons" and "booooats." Kole is your favorite person. You adore the kitties and you are borderline abusive to the dog.

You like to spin, jump, and run. You are not a good dancer. You are brave and adventureous. You certainly know what you like in life, and what you don't. You hate button-up shirts but adore your sweatshirts. Your love for animals is endearing and you hardly play with your toys.

I often think to myself that if I could just keep you at one age for a long time, I would. But the problem is that when I try to think of what stage I would keep you at, I can't decide. Each stage is getting better than the last, and I can't even imagine the joy you will bring in the upcoming years.

You were the simplest, easiest baby. You smelled like vanilla and you were so good to me. You never made me doubt myself as a mother, everything came so easy to the both of us and you never gave me a hard time.

You were the cutest toddler. You were so endearing, and every time you met a stranger, they fell for you. You never struggled and were pretty easygoing. The world adores you, and you know it.

And now you are a charming little boy. I can't imagine a second without you. You have given me meaning and purpose to my life and I take every breath for you. You are a gift and an angel and sometimes a little devil.

I love every.single.thing.about.you.

one day old

one year old

two years old!

happy valentine's day

2009-02-14T06:00:00.001-08:00

because love is just the icing on the cake.

have a great day!

(pproperty of erinjohnsonphotography.com)

valentine's day lovin'

2009-02-13T11:14:00.001-08:00

my mom and i always made sugar cookies for every holiday. they are SO good, so homemade, so absolutely perfect for munchin'.

yum. enjoy.

(straight from betty crocker)

1 1/2 C powdered sugar

1 C butter, softened at room temp

1 tsp vanilla

1 large egg

2 1/2 C flour

1 tsp cream of tartar

mix sugar, butter, vanilla and egg. stir in remaining ingredients.

cover and refridgerate at LEAST 2 hours.

divide dough and work between hands until slightly warm. roll on floured surface with floured rolling pin. cut out with desired shapes, sprinkle with sugar or decorations.

bake at pre-heated 375 degree oven, on baking sheets that have been treated with cooking spray. bake 7 minutes, or slightly longer until edges are slightly browned.

cool on wire racks.

wow - time flies!

2009-02-13T05:54:00.000-08:00

two years ago today, i was due to have a baby.

this day came and went, despite walking, mexican pizza from taco bell, and, well........ewwwwwwwww.

i can't wrap my head around the fact that my baby is almost 2.

(insert emotional breakdown)

easter egg / holiday tree!

2009-02-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

my mom made an easter egg tree like this when i was little. i remember her and i going through the woods and finding the sticks, painting them, and potting them. she still has that tree, over 25 years later. i wanted one for your family. i beleive ours needs a little pruning, but it will be there soon!

isn't he cute?

here we go again!

2009-02-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

what is that?

2009-02-09T12:49:00.001-08:00

if your answer is an-almost-2-year-old standing in his crib, one leg out of his jammies, holding his diaper, and shouting in a loud voice and standing on a peepee-soaked mattress, then you win the prize!!

now you see how my life has been going lately. yikes.

i am loving it

2009-02-09T12:45:00.001-08:00

i have the windows open and it's cool outside.....and the house is filled with that new-spring-air smell. even though i know it's not spring yet, and we likel have a lot more snow to come.....but it has lifted my spirits and made me happy today. :)

fun times!

2009-02-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

i have been crafting like mad lately - and loving it! orders are coming in for shirts and i can hardly keep up (http://www.savvysarahdesigns.blogspot.com/). it's been fun!

we have been re-painting our family room, and bought a new couch. we are moving furniture around and it looks really different! i love it! we should start the kitchen in teh next few days....cabinets too! and finally, marc has decided to let me (or let himself) put knobs on the cabinet doors.

one of my resolutions this year was to fill our house with pictures. i ordered a few today that will be cute on our new (or, newly arranged) shelves and i am super excited! when both of your bff's are phenomonal photographers (and only ONE lives in town *cough nea cough get your ass back here cough* how could you NOT want your house littered with pictures like these?

fun weekend!

2009-02-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

went to 2 rocking birthday parties this weekend! it was fun.

the first was at The Little Gym. it was great!

the second was at one of my bff's erin's house! she is the best party person....she had an awesome candy buffet (which my husband took a doggie bag for!!!) and great food. her parties are always so laid back and fun. of course, my son was a whirlwind of energy.

on the way home, my husband was talking about the babies that were there (jake, adam, weston, and of course, little miss madeline) and he told me that he felt like jack was never a baby like those babies. like he was always a little kid, like he is now. sad....

i would post pics, but i seem to have left my camera......boo.

tears

2009-01-30T09:44:00.001-08:00

i have been blessed with the best baby. he was so easy as an infant, never giving me one ounce of trouble. ever. never had nursing issues, sleep issues, or any issues. easy peasy.

but today......oh, today. today i have cried, rolled my eyes, stared down a leper, and yelled. i have screamed. i have gently slapped. i have swatted. i have begged, pleaded, bribed.

my child has pushed me to the point of wanting to run down the street, flailing my arms and screaming "where is my baby? someone has stolen my child!" because the spawn that is upstairs, in this house, is not my son.

i know he is 2. i know they are difficult at this age, but he is just not himself. he has been crying, whining, and tantruming. he has refused to eat, and dumped every beverage i have given him onto the floor, and shouted "NO" as loudly as he could.

i administered the tylenol today, as if it was medication time at "celebrity rehab" and rubbed down his swollen gums with oragel, which caused him to cry so hard he shook. which made me cry so hard that i shook, too.

i rocked him and patted his back and whispered "it's okay, buddy" and he patted my back too. i layed him in his bed after he looked at me straight in my eyes and ever-so-carefully told me, around his beloved binky, "bed momma."

i turned on his music and covered him with his quilt, and he told me "byebye momma...nigh nigh" and i realized that while it has been hard for me today, it's been even harder for him.

today has been rough. really, really, rough.

snowflakes that stay on my nose and....

2009-01-29T07:28:00.000-08:00

let it snow!

2009-01-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

dammit

2009-01-23T06:39:00.000-08:00

i was reading the ever-hilarious julie (http://www.47andstartingover.blogspot.com/) and she had a post that if you read it, you were tagged.

exciting stuff. 5th picture in your 5th folder. it's an unedited pic of a kangaroo at the columbus zoo. i bet you have a million of these, too.

if you read this, do the same. (if you haven't fallen asleep by now)

2009-01-21T09:49:00.000-08:00

today is the day.

2009-01-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

today is the day that so many have dreamed of. that so many have hoped for, and prayed for. today is the day that is making history. today is the day that will inspire our youth, will give hope to the hopeless, will give chances to many.

today is the day that our ancestors worked for. the day that they hoped would come. the day that many gave thier lives for. the day that they earned.

my grandmother would love to be here, watching this happen. she was a woman before her time...she went to college, as did her mother. she was a tough cookie, and passionate. she refused to allow my mother to play with the children of people who were in favor of segregation. she told my mother "you will get in that pool" when the other mother were pulling thier daughters out, because a black child was swimming there, too. every summer they adopted a "fresh air child" - which was an "inner city" child of color. they made the best of those summers, and tried to give those kids every opportunity they could....because my grandma thought the rest of the world wouldn't.

and she was right, in those times....those kids wouldn't have. those kids probably thought they would never, ever, get to the place where obama is today.

but we are there. we are THERE. it's not only about color....it's about hope. hope that we can turn our country around. we can hope. after all...if you don't have hope, then what do you have?

so to those who said it couldn't be done, shouldn't be done, would never be done...i extend my middle finger to you and say "yes we can!" because, we did. it.

welcome

2009-01-18T17:56:00.000-08:00

to my new blog. it's going to be different. it's going to be better.

it's going to be great.